I'm 36 years old now. More than any month's calendar days, and close to being 40. All my siblings are parents now, and with partners.
I have a new job, that I am not happy at. I don't feel that I belong in the team, in the company. They look at me, and talk about me, like something is wrong with me. Just because they find me QUIET.
I left my job for this, and this is all I got.
Lord, I love you. I feel sad that most of my posts in this blogged are prodded by sadness.
One day, I'd love to read my post about how beautiful life is, of how great your plan had been for me. How things have fallen into place: I have an amazing great-paying job with respectful and accepting people, a loving husband and smart, God-loving, kind, sweet kids.
Lord, I would like to read about me being happy. The kind that lasts forever.
I believe in forever..because I believe that you are.
I love you Lord. I need your miracle, to bring color into my senseless immaterial life.
I love you po. Please.
Wednesday, June 03, 2015
Thursday, November 15, 2012
DEJA VU
3 years ago, I was nursing a broken heart. The last time I posted a note here, I was praying for healing....begging to not let me fall for someone who will just treat me like trash.
Dear Lord, I trust in you. I believe in you. But I am so deeply hurt that again, I gave my heart to the wrong person. Lord, don't let that happen again please. Protect my heart and give it to someone deserving.
This time around, Lord, the pain is much worse. Why can't I just be happy, Lord. am I not deserving of true happiness. Am I destined to be alone. Am I not meant to have someone who will genuinely love me, for better or worse, in sickness and in health?
I love you so much, Shimu. More than I have ever loved any one. I do not hate you. I forgive you. I still pray for you, from afar, may God always protect you and make you happy.
Lord, please, you are my only hope and strength. Take care of my heart. Allow me to be happy, please, for good.
Now what does a broken person do to heal? Redeem one's self!
I vow to be better. I will focus in my career, my life. I will study CPA, aim to build my expertise in my career, be active in the community, look better and healthier.
Lord, I trust in you.
Dear Lord, I trust in you. I believe in you. But I am so deeply hurt that again, I gave my heart to the wrong person. Lord, don't let that happen again please. Protect my heart and give it to someone deserving.
This time around, Lord, the pain is much worse. Why can't I just be happy, Lord. am I not deserving of true happiness. Am I destined to be alone. Am I not meant to have someone who will genuinely love me, for better or worse, in sickness and in health?
I love you so much, Shimu. More than I have ever loved any one. I do not hate you. I forgive you. I still pray for you, from afar, may God always protect you and make you happy.
Lord, please, you are my only hope and strength. Take care of my heart. Allow me to be happy, please, for good.
Now what does a broken person do to heal? Redeem one's self!
I vow to be better. I will focus in my career, my life. I will study CPA, aim to build my expertise in my career, be active in the community, look better and healthier.
Lord, I trust in you.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
OPLAN
This is it. It is my responsibility to make change. I will focus on two things..and two things only. Forget about everything else..and hope that everything else will follow and fall into its place. I will lose weight, and focus on studying.
OPLAN jog & study, coming right up.
OPLAN jog & study, coming right up.
Holes
Today, I saw a picture of ex. With the girl whom he started seeing after me. The one he truly loved. It's been 4 years..quite a long time, but it's funny how it pricks onto some memories I thought are way past behind me now. No, I did not cry, so maybe it's a good thing. But is it normal? I felt..jealous. Not because I do not have him, but because they looked happy. IT made me ask myself, am I happy? The girl is pregnant, they are probably married. I tried to feel whether I still care for him. No, fortunately for me, I think I am free. I can say, I do not love him anymore.
I read a prayer today for the brokenheart, and I liked it. If I read it years ago, I would have sobbed to death. It says there, 'Lord, teach me to forgive those who do not even ask for my forgiveness'. That's who they are. Or at least that's who he is, someone who doesnt even think he hurt me. Yet he did. He insulted me, made me lose my self-esteem. COme to think of it, it was not losing him that devastated me..but the way he treated me like trash. Yes, the guy just used me, then judged me, then dropped me like a hot potato. He did not love me. And what I hated the most was that I fell for his act.
Yes, he may not think he needs my forgiveness, but as part of my healing, I think I should give it. I forgive you Simon. You hurt, disrespected, dumped and deserted me, afterall that I went through loving you. You made me look down on myself for feeling that I am not worthy of your love. But now that I am accepting what happened...truly happened...then I am hoping I could find peace.
I forgive you, and I wish I could forgive myself soon. I wish I could be happy, because I am a good person, even if you made me feel low, I should always remember that I deserve the good things in life..things that people who truly care for me would want me to have.
Lord, lead my heart to true happiness. Do not let me go astray and fall for people like him again. I know, it did him well, when I came into his life, because I was an instrument in the past to make him happy during the time that he had no one and nothing else...no job, no gf. When he has got everything, he wanted some things, and someone better in his standard. That almost ruined my life, thinking. that there is something wrong with me.
I offer to you Lord the hurt. It's nothing compared to what you have went through. PLease, the next time I fall, be it with someone who falls for me too, and with whom I can have a happy future.
I read a prayer today for the brokenheart, and I liked it. If I read it years ago, I would have sobbed to death. It says there, 'Lord, teach me to forgive those who do not even ask for my forgiveness'. That's who they are. Or at least that's who he is, someone who doesnt even think he hurt me. Yet he did. He insulted me, made me lose my self-esteem. COme to think of it, it was not losing him that devastated me..but the way he treated me like trash. Yes, the guy just used me, then judged me, then dropped me like a hot potato. He did not love me. And what I hated the most was that I fell for his act.
Yes, he may not think he needs my forgiveness, but as part of my healing, I think I should give it. I forgive you Simon. You hurt, disrespected, dumped and deserted me, afterall that I went through loving you. You made me look down on myself for feeling that I am not worthy of your love. But now that I am accepting what happened...truly happened...then I am hoping I could find peace.
I forgive you, and I wish I could forgive myself soon. I wish I could be happy, because I am a good person, even if you made me feel low, I should always remember that I deserve the good things in life..things that people who truly care for me would want me to have.
Lord, lead my heart to true happiness. Do not let me go astray and fall for people like him again. I know, it did him well, when I came into his life, because I was an instrument in the past to make him happy during the time that he had no one and nothing else...no job, no gf. When he has got everything, he wanted some things, and someone better in his standard. That almost ruined my life, thinking. that there is something wrong with me.
I offer to you Lord the hurt. It's nothing compared to what you have went through. PLease, the next time I fall, be it with someone who falls for me too, and with whom I can have a happy future.
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Going 14 months
Can't believe it's been almost 14 months since I moved here in Bris. I'm on my 3rd semester now, and will be finished soon. I was reading my previous posts and I was moved by what I wrote when I was still waiting for my visa. During that time, it was so uncertain. Thank you Lord for everything. With you, nothing is really impossible. I am sorry, if sometimes, I am not worthy of your love, because I am weak. I ty my best each time to come around and turn to you, and I feel that you always welcome me with open arms. I love you Lord, I may have been a lot of things, but one thing is sure, I will never stop loving you.
Reading that post, I remember how fortunate and loved I am by you. I may have went thru so much pain and failure, but knowing that you are with me, that you never leave my side, I am at peace.
It's been 14 months, and so far, I have earned friendship of some people. Sadly, none of them is as deep as the ones I shared back home..yet. Oh, except for one:) I hope that in time, I will find my refuge here in Bris and will build frienship with more genuine people. It's just that here, people seem to be caught up with their own lives, and there seem to be an invisible line dividing each other to fully care with each other. Or when I met some people whom I believe potentially can be good friends, they leave just when I start feeling at home with them.
In this place, people come and go. It's like nothing is permanent. Anything and anyone could be gone the next time.
Kinda makes me think, when I get old, do I want to stay here? Probably not. I hope I have the option to go back and spend my last years in my real home. I wish to be happiest in those times. It all depends on who my husband will be, right? What if he would want to stay here? Sigh. I'll just cross the bridge when I get there. For now, I don't even have a bf now.
Hmm, yeah, no bf. Study, study, study.
Well, there's P, but we both know it won't lead to anywhere so better keep expectations down. I love the idea that with him, I belong here in Bris somewhere. That I matter a lot. That's good enough. It helps me get through.
This is what Bris life is all about, living for the moment.
How am I doing so far? Whoa, got above distinction average, got awad for academic excellence..I guess I am doing good, as planned, with studies. I have never studied this hard before in my life, and I feel that I ought to, coz of the freakin' expensive costs.
Few months more, and I will be on the look out for jobs. God, I know you are listening, pls help me again. I knock, I seek, I ask that after graduation, I get a really good accounting job right away. I do not seek a really big company, if it would mean not having peace of mind, and happy lfe. Put me to a place where I will be happiest; a place where my potentials will be recognized and respected, where my presence will be appreciated and liked, where my personality will be accepted, where the people are decent, friendly, fair, patient and happy, where the salary is proportionally much better than what I have ever had before, where I could excel professionally, and where I will belong. In that place, give me friends that are the same as my other true dear friends.
In your time, show me where to find true love, with your blessing. Show me the way to him, or or vice versa, to a life of happiness and genuine love filled with respect, trust, faithfulness, loyalty, honesty, thoughtfulness, care, laughter, undestanding, financial stability, good health, safety, strength, responsibility, attraction, satisfaction and love for You, oh God, growing old together with our future smart, kind-hearted, healthy, God-loving and good-looking kids. Let him be someone who will love me no matterwhat, who takes me for my weakness and flaws; gives me strength and support to become better, but never try to change me just to please him, and always will be proud of me as his wife and motherof kids. I want a simple life, Lord. I do not intend to be super rich. I just want to have enough, to comfortably lead a happy life with them, and still be able to help put my loved-ones when they need it.
In my 3o yeas of living now, the last 12 years was filled with failures and heartaches. Please, for the rest of mylife, hopefully I reach about 75 - 80, pls until that time, letme find true hapiness and success throught out.
I love you Lord. I trust you Lord.
Reading that post, I remember how fortunate and loved I am by you. I may have went thru so much pain and failure, but knowing that you are with me, that you never leave my side, I am at peace.
It's been 14 months, and so far, I have earned friendship of some people. Sadly, none of them is as deep as the ones I shared back home..yet. Oh, except for one:) I hope that in time, I will find my refuge here in Bris and will build frienship with more genuine people. It's just that here, people seem to be caught up with their own lives, and there seem to be an invisible line dividing each other to fully care with each other. Or when I met some people whom I believe potentially can be good friends, they leave just when I start feeling at home with them.
In this place, people come and go. It's like nothing is permanent. Anything and anyone could be gone the next time.
Kinda makes me think, when I get old, do I want to stay here? Probably not. I hope I have the option to go back and spend my last years in my real home. I wish to be happiest in those times. It all depends on who my husband will be, right? What if he would want to stay here? Sigh. I'll just cross the bridge when I get there. For now, I don't even have a bf now.
Hmm, yeah, no bf. Study, study, study.
Well, there's P, but we both know it won't lead to anywhere so better keep expectations down. I love the idea that with him, I belong here in Bris somewhere. That I matter a lot. That's good enough. It helps me get through.
This is what Bris life is all about, living for the moment.
How am I doing so far? Whoa, got above distinction average, got awad for academic excellence..I guess I am doing good, as planned, with studies. I have never studied this hard before in my life, and I feel that I ought to, coz of the freakin' expensive costs.
Few months more, and I will be on the look out for jobs. God, I know you are listening, pls help me again. I knock, I seek, I ask that after graduation, I get a really good accounting job right away. I do not seek a really big company, if it would mean not having peace of mind, and happy lfe. Put me to a place where I will be happiest; a place where my potentials will be recognized and respected, where my presence will be appreciated and liked, where my personality will be accepted, where the people are decent, friendly, fair, patient and happy, where the salary is proportionally much better than what I have ever had before, where I could excel professionally, and where I will belong. In that place, give me friends that are the same as my other true dear friends.
In your time, show me where to find true love, with your blessing. Show me the way to him, or or vice versa, to a life of happiness and genuine love filled with respect, trust, faithfulness, loyalty, honesty, thoughtfulness, care, laughter, undestanding, financial stability, good health, safety, strength, responsibility, attraction, satisfaction and love for You, oh God, growing old together with our future smart, kind-hearted, healthy, God-loving and good-looking kids. Let him be someone who will love me no matterwhat, who takes me for my weakness and flaws; gives me strength and support to become better, but never try to change me just to please him, and always will be proud of me as his wife and motherof kids. I want a simple life, Lord. I do not intend to be super rich. I just want to have enough, to comfortably lead a happy life with them, and still be able to help put my loved-ones when they need it.
In my 3o yeas of living now, the last 12 years was filled with failures and heartaches. Please, for the rest of mylife, hopefully I reach about 75 - 80, pls until that time, letme find true hapiness and success throught out.
I love you Lord. I trust you Lord.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Visa Grant
Yuhooo!!! Finally! I got my visa grant:) Apparently, it has been granted on Nov 14 but the email entered my bulk mail. Today, after following up thru phone from DIAC, I found out it's been approved. Gosh, after the waiting..it feels so surreal:)
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Killing me softly...the wait for visa syndrome
It's 2 am. I can't get myself to fall asleep. I'm so scared..I feel so down.. Any day this month, the visa application result will be out. I've been down since the other night.
I went to Quiapo church today, walked through the aisle to the altar down on my knees. I was crying when I reached the altar. I thought of everything: the pain getting rejected by and losing the only person I have ever loved..lost friends..underachievements....sad experiences in the office...being fat..not passing the UP COllege of Law exam..not being admitted in the ASEAN Fellowship I applied for goign to Singapore 7 years ago...the prom that I never experiened coz i didn't go because nobody asked me to..my debts that i incurred for flying over to be with the man I loved and to talk to him on the phone when he got upset coz of his girl.....I'm so scared. I've never been so scared in my whole life. I'd like to start anew, to start composing myself. I wanna better..and this visa is the only hope that I got.
The priest said those people who went to Qiuapo church that day are blessed coz their wishes will come true. Icried so hard.. I was at the altar then..
At this point in my life, I did everything possible I could. I fought for this dream of mine..I am still paying the loans I applied for to support my visa application. Lord, I have went through so much pain, and I accept them. I offer them to you, for they were nothing compared to yours...
But please, I beg you, please LOrd, I knock, I seek, I ask that please grant me my visa...please Lord...through the intercession of Mary, thy most holy Mother.
I wanne be better..I wanna feel better..I wanna live better..This is my only chance Lord...Please po?
I went to Quiapo church today, walked through the aisle to the altar down on my knees. I was crying when I reached the altar. I thought of everything: the pain getting rejected by and losing the only person I have ever loved..lost friends..underachievements....sad experiences in the office...being fat..not passing the UP COllege of Law exam..not being admitted in the ASEAN Fellowship I applied for goign to Singapore 7 years ago...the prom that I never experiened coz i didn't go because nobody asked me to..my debts that i incurred for flying over to be with the man I loved and to talk to him on the phone when he got upset coz of his girl.....I'm so scared. I've never been so scared in my whole life. I'd like to start anew, to start composing myself. I wanna better..and this visa is the only hope that I got.
The priest said those people who went to Qiuapo church that day are blessed coz their wishes will come true. Icried so hard.. I was at the altar then..
At this point in my life, I did everything possible I could. I fought for this dream of mine..I am still paying the loans I applied for to support my visa application. Lord, I have went through so much pain, and I accept them. I offer them to you, for they were nothing compared to yours...
But please, I beg you, please LOrd, I knock, I seek, I ask that please grant me my visa...please Lord...through the intercession of Mary, thy most holy Mother.
I wanne be better..I wanna feel better..I wanna live better..This is my only chance Lord...Please po?
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Missing my bestfriend
It's almost 4 in the morning. Still, it haunts me...a friendship that I may have lost. I have hurled hurtful emotional words to my bestfriend, Anne. And I'm deeply sad that she may have given up on me. I have gone through a lot, and i wish that i could talk to her. I just wish that she could find it in her heart to forgive me, and maybe, one day, she may actually read my posts here. It is important to me, coz this page reflects my deepest pains...dark moments that I would love to share to her..hoping that she may comfort me a bit. I feel like I have fallen into an abyss of sadness.
I miss her. Although we have not been around for each other, still, I would never wanna lose here in my life. Miles apart as we are...I value her, for she is a treasured friend. I wish she would give our friendship a chance. I remember, she sent me a letter way back..and she attached lyrics of the song.."Make it with you". IN that letter, she said, I am her bestfriend. I cry everytime I read that. I have just read that minutes ago, and yeah, my eyes are still swollen. I miss ANne. I wish we could start anew. I'd love to be in touch with her.
I miss her. Although we have not been around for each other, still, I would never wanna lose here in my life. Miles apart as we are...I value her, for she is a treasured friend. I wish she would give our friendship a chance. I remember, she sent me a letter way back..and she attached lyrics of the song.."Make it with you". IN that letter, she said, I am her bestfriend. I cry everytime I read that. I have just read that minutes ago, and yeah, my eyes are still swollen. I miss ANne. I wish we could start anew. I'd love to be in touch with her.
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