Holes

Today, I saw a picture of ex. With the girl whom he started seeing after me. The one he truly loved. It's been 4 years..quite a long time, but it's funny how it pricks onto some memories I thought are way past behind me now. No, I did not cry, so maybe it's a good thing. But is it normal? I felt..jealous. Not because I do not have him, but because they looked happy. IT made me ask myself, am I happy? The girl is pregnant, they are probably married. I tried to feel whether I still care for him. No, fortunately for me, I think I am free. I can say, I do not love him anymore.

I read a prayer today for the brokenheart, and I liked it. If I read it years ago, I would have sobbed to death. It says there, 'Lord, teach me to forgive those who do not even ask for my forgiveness'. That's who they are. Or at least that's who he is, someone who doesnt even think he hurt me. Yet he did. He insulted me, made me lose my self-esteem. COme to think of it, it was not losing him that devastated me..but the way he treated me like trash. Yes, the guy just used me, then judged me, then dropped me like a hot potato. He did not love me. And what I hated the most was that I fell for his act.

Yes, he may not think he needs my forgiveness, but as part of my healing, I think I should give it. I forgive you Simon. You hurt, disrespected, dumped and deserted me, afterall that I went through loving you. You made me look down on myself for feeling that I am not worthy of your love. But now that I am accepting what happened...truly happened...then I am hoping I could find peace.

I forgive you, and I wish I could forgive myself soon. I wish I could be happy, because I am a good person, even if you made me feel low, I should always remember that I deserve the good things in life..things that people who truly care for me would want me to have.

Lord, lead my heart to true happiness. Do not let me go astray and fall for people like him again. I know, it did him well, when I came into his life, because I was an instrument in the past to make him happy during the time that he had no one and nothing else...no job, no gf. When he has got everything, he wanted some things, and someone better in his standard. That almost ruined my life, thinking. that there is something wrong with me.

I offer to you Lord the hurt. It's nothing compared to what you have went through. PLease, the next time I fall, be it with someone who falls for me too, and with whom I can have a happy future.