This is it. It is my responsibility to make change. I will focus on two things..and two things only. Forget about everything else..and hope that everything else will follow and fall into its place. I will lose weight, and focus on studying.
OPLAN jog & study, coming right up.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Holes
Today, I saw a picture of ex. With the girl whom he started seeing after me. The one he truly loved. It's been 4 years..quite a long time, but it's funny how it pricks onto some memories I thought are way past behind me now. No, I did not cry, so maybe it's a good thing. But is it normal? I felt..jealous. Not because I do not have him, but because they looked happy. IT made me ask myself, am I happy? The girl is pregnant, they are probably married. I tried to feel whether I still care for him. No, fortunately for me, I think I am free. I can say, I do not love him anymore.
I read a prayer today for the brokenheart, and I liked it. If I read it years ago, I would have sobbed to death. It says there, 'Lord, teach me to forgive those who do not even ask for my forgiveness'. That's who they are. Or at least that's who he is, someone who doesnt even think he hurt me. Yet he did. He insulted me, made me lose my self-esteem. COme to think of it, it was not losing him that devastated me..but the way he treated me like trash. Yes, the guy just used me, then judged me, then dropped me like a hot potato. He did not love me. And what I hated the most was that I fell for his act.
Yes, he may not think he needs my forgiveness, but as part of my healing, I think I should give it. I forgive you Simon. You hurt, disrespected, dumped and deserted me, afterall that I went through loving you. You made me look down on myself for feeling that I am not worthy of your love. But now that I am accepting what happened...truly happened...then I am hoping I could find peace.
I forgive you, and I wish I could forgive myself soon. I wish I could be happy, because I am a good person, even if you made me feel low, I should always remember that I deserve the good things in life..things that people who truly care for me would want me to have.
Lord, lead my heart to true happiness. Do not let me go astray and fall for people like him again. I know, it did him well, when I came into his life, because I was an instrument in the past to make him happy during the time that he had no one and nothing else...no job, no gf. When he has got everything, he wanted some things, and someone better in his standard. That almost ruined my life, thinking. that there is something wrong with me.
I offer to you Lord the hurt. It's nothing compared to what you have went through. PLease, the next time I fall, be it with someone who falls for me too, and with whom I can have a happy future.
I read a prayer today for the brokenheart, and I liked it. If I read it years ago, I would have sobbed to death. It says there, 'Lord, teach me to forgive those who do not even ask for my forgiveness'. That's who they are. Or at least that's who he is, someone who doesnt even think he hurt me. Yet he did. He insulted me, made me lose my self-esteem. COme to think of it, it was not losing him that devastated me..but the way he treated me like trash. Yes, the guy just used me, then judged me, then dropped me like a hot potato. He did not love me. And what I hated the most was that I fell for his act.
Yes, he may not think he needs my forgiveness, but as part of my healing, I think I should give it. I forgive you Simon. You hurt, disrespected, dumped and deserted me, afterall that I went through loving you. You made me look down on myself for feeling that I am not worthy of your love. But now that I am accepting what happened...truly happened...then I am hoping I could find peace.
I forgive you, and I wish I could forgive myself soon. I wish I could be happy, because I am a good person, even if you made me feel low, I should always remember that I deserve the good things in life..things that people who truly care for me would want me to have.
Lord, lead my heart to true happiness. Do not let me go astray and fall for people like him again. I know, it did him well, when I came into his life, because I was an instrument in the past to make him happy during the time that he had no one and nothing else...no job, no gf. When he has got everything, he wanted some things, and someone better in his standard. That almost ruined my life, thinking. that there is something wrong with me.
I offer to you Lord the hurt. It's nothing compared to what you have went through. PLease, the next time I fall, be it with someone who falls for me too, and with whom I can have a happy future.
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Going 14 months
Can't believe it's been almost 14 months since I moved here in Bris. I'm on my 3rd semester now, and will be finished soon. I was reading my previous posts and I was moved by what I wrote when I was still waiting for my visa. During that time, it was so uncertain. Thank you Lord for everything. With you, nothing is really impossible. I am sorry, if sometimes, I am not worthy of your love, because I am weak. I ty my best each time to come around and turn to you, and I feel that you always welcome me with open arms. I love you Lord, I may have been a lot of things, but one thing is sure, I will never stop loving you.
Reading that post, I remember how fortunate and loved I am by you. I may have went thru so much pain and failure, but knowing that you are with me, that you never leave my side, I am at peace.
It's been 14 months, and so far, I have earned friendship of some people. Sadly, none of them is as deep as the ones I shared back home..yet. Oh, except for one:) I hope that in time, I will find my refuge here in Bris and will build frienship with more genuine people. It's just that here, people seem to be caught up with their own lives, and there seem to be an invisible line dividing each other to fully care with each other. Or when I met some people whom I believe potentially can be good friends, they leave just when I start feeling at home with them.
In this place, people come and go. It's like nothing is permanent. Anything and anyone could be gone the next time.
Kinda makes me think, when I get old, do I want to stay here? Probably not. I hope I have the option to go back and spend my last years in my real home. I wish to be happiest in those times. It all depends on who my husband will be, right? What if he would want to stay here? Sigh. I'll just cross the bridge when I get there. For now, I don't even have a bf now.
Hmm, yeah, no bf. Study, study, study.
Well, there's P, but we both know it won't lead to anywhere so better keep expectations down. I love the idea that with him, I belong here in Bris somewhere. That I matter a lot. That's good enough. It helps me get through.
This is what Bris life is all about, living for the moment.
How am I doing so far? Whoa, got above distinction average, got awad for academic excellence..I guess I am doing good, as planned, with studies. I have never studied this hard before in my life, and I feel that I ought to, coz of the freakin' expensive costs.
Few months more, and I will be on the look out for jobs. God, I know you are listening, pls help me again. I knock, I seek, I ask that after graduation, I get a really good accounting job right away. I do not seek a really big company, if it would mean not having peace of mind, and happy lfe. Put me to a place where I will be happiest; a place where my potentials will be recognized and respected, where my presence will be appreciated and liked, where my personality will be accepted, where the people are decent, friendly, fair, patient and happy, where the salary is proportionally much better than what I have ever had before, where I could excel professionally, and where I will belong. In that place, give me friends that are the same as my other true dear friends.
In your time, show me where to find true love, with your blessing. Show me the way to him, or or vice versa, to a life of happiness and genuine love filled with respect, trust, faithfulness, loyalty, honesty, thoughtfulness, care, laughter, undestanding, financial stability, good health, safety, strength, responsibility, attraction, satisfaction and love for You, oh God, growing old together with our future smart, kind-hearted, healthy, God-loving and good-looking kids. Let him be someone who will love me no matterwhat, who takes me for my weakness and flaws; gives me strength and support to become better, but never try to change me just to please him, and always will be proud of me as his wife and motherof kids. I want a simple life, Lord. I do not intend to be super rich. I just want to have enough, to comfortably lead a happy life with them, and still be able to help put my loved-ones when they need it.
In my 3o yeas of living now, the last 12 years was filled with failures and heartaches. Please, for the rest of mylife, hopefully I reach about 75 - 80, pls until that time, letme find true hapiness and success throught out.
I love you Lord. I trust you Lord.
Reading that post, I remember how fortunate and loved I am by you. I may have went thru so much pain and failure, but knowing that you are with me, that you never leave my side, I am at peace.
It's been 14 months, and so far, I have earned friendship of some people. Sadly, none of them is as deep as the ones I shared back home..yet. Oh, except for one:) I hope that in time, I will find my refuge here in Bris and will build frienship with more genuine people. It's just that here, people seem to be caught up with their own lives, and there seem to be an invisible line dividing each other to fully care with each other. Or when I met some people whom I believe potentially can be good friends, they leave just when I start feeling at home with them.
In this place, people come and go. It's like nothing is permanent. Anything and anyone could be gone the next time.
Kinda makes me think, when I get old, do I want to stay here? Probably not. I hope I have the option to go back and spend my last years in my real home. I wish to be happiest in those times. It all depends on who my husband will be, right? What if he would want to stay here? Sigh. I'll just cross the bridge when I get there. For now, I don't even have a bf now.
Hmm, yeah, no bf. Study, study, study.
Well, there's P, but we both know it won't lead to anywhere so better keep expectations down. I love the idea that with him, I belong here in Bris somewhere. That I matter a lot. That's good enough. It helps me get through.
This is what Bris life is all about, living for the moment.
How am I doing so far? Whoa, got above distinction average, got awad for academic excellence..I guess I am doing good, as planned, with studies. I have never studied this hard before in my life, and I feel that I ought to, coz of the freakin' expensive costs.
Few months more, and I will be on the look out for jobs. God, I know you are listening, pls help me again. I knock, I seek, I ask that after graduation, I get a really good accounting job right away. I do not seek a really big company, if it would mean not having peace of mind, and happy lfe. Put me to a place where I will be happiest; a place where my potentials will be recognized and respected, where my presence will be appreciated and liked, where my personality will be accepted, where the people are decent, friendly, fair, patient and happy, where the salary is proportionally much better than what I have ever had before, where I could excel professionally, and where I will belong. In that place, give me friends that are the same as my other true dear friends.
In your time, show me where to find true love, with your blessing. Show me the way to him, or or vice versa, to a life of happiness and genuine love filled with respect, trust, faithfulness, loyalty, honesty, thoughtfulness, care, laughter, undestanding, financial stability, good health, safety, strength, responsibility, attraction, satisfaction and love for You, oh God, growing old together with our future smart, kind-hearted, healthy, God-loving and good-looking kids. Let him be someone who will love me no matterwhat, who takes me for my weakness and flaws; gives me strength and support to become better, but never try to change me just to please him, and always will be proud of me as his wife and motherof kids. I want a simple life, Lord. I do not intend to be super rich. I just want to have enough, to comfortably lead a happy life with them, and still be able to help put my loved-ones when they need it.
In my 3o yeas of living now, the last 12 years was filled with failures and heartaches. Please, for the rest of mylife, hopefully I reach about 75 - 80, pls until that time, letme find true hapiness and success throught out.
I love you Lord. I trust you Lord.
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